An International Fellowship of Spirit-Empowered Believers

I tried for 20 years

I found God at 19. After 4 years of of conversing and being amazed, I still saw no victory in my life...just thought and ideas. So, I started praying "in the name of Jesus" and shortly after started feeling like I wanted to read the bible.

The next 17 years was probably pretty typical in some regards....I got baptized, submitted to authority, joined prayer groups, accountability groups, went to all the spiritual events, went through lots of healing prayers and classes. Became a leader, started doing home groups, prayed for others to find their way....tried to become pure in my heart.

Many things changed for the better in my life, but in my heart of hearts, I knew that I was still missing the mark entirely. Under all the layers was a man trapped in pornography, anger, frustration and quiet desperation. "Where is the victory?" I would ask myself and God. I could step away from my various ailments for periods of time, but would fall back to them, not having the character or strength to stand in integrity. I could now add shame of failure to the shame I already felt. God even totally set me free once, and I went back to my vomit.

At age 40, driven hardest by my failure to overcome pornography, I came, wet and beaten to God and sadly whispered to Him, "I can't do it...I can't be what you've called me to be." I waited for a loving scolding, tellig me to not give up and get back on the horse....what I got instead melted my tired worn out heart..."Good, I've been waiting for you to say that!" I was shocked, then He continued, "are you ready to die?" My mouth and mind said nothing, as my heart gave its answer..."Yes Father, I'm ready" I suddenly was hit with the revelation that I am and have been dead...which is why I was producing the fruit of death. As I realized this, I became aware of a seed of purity in me, Christ, a thing in my heart that knew no sin. I knew at that moment that this Christ was a gift of new, pure life. I also knew that I no longer had to be righteous, but that all I had to do was be dead (Finally something I knew I could do successfully!!!) and HE would be righteous in me and through me.

This was about a year and a half ago, and I have continued to count myself dead, and allowed Him to tear down and begin rebuilding my mind with thoughts that no longer revolve around me-as-my-center, but new thoughts that revolve around Him-as-my-center. He doesn't do pornography, he doesn't struggle with anger...in fact, He easily walks on the things that I was drowning in. I finally know life, as He lives it through me, showing me what it is like. The life I now know is Him in me living through me. I love Him so much, and am so thankful and amazed at what He has endured to get to this day with me. I no longer follow rules out of duty, but I follow Him out of love as He walks righteous in me. There is so much more to this story, but I just can't fit it all here. I am so thankful that He never set me free from pornography...it was a deep enough evidence of my condition that not even my pride could overlook. Without that failure in my life, I might have gone on believing that I was doing pretty good and never came to God the way I did.

Tags: Christ, Dead, in

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mary Ann E on February 7, 2010 at 3:55pm

Thanks for posting that the last few days God has been showing me that...I I need to really "give up" he has told me many times. that I died but...you know what has been keeping me form giving up? Fear . to believe Ephesians 2:8-9 an Romans 4:4-8 and settle it once for all
Also he said that another thing you said was that ,'"As I realized this, I became aware of a seed of purity in me, Christ, a thing in my heart that knew no sin."

Well I heard that I am my new identity is Christ and "innocent"
also check out Heb 10:2

that legally give up and believe God of his gift (eg Romans 4:5)

What I think I really like is that Romans 4:5 helps cast out that fear of not working or giving up to Jesus.
Because he promises if you give up ( actually it says work not) but believe on /God that justifies the ungodly , your faith will be counted as righteousness.so your fear is cast out because salvation is guaranteed in by faith , its not of the works of the law.

Its so important not to mix works and grace
eg. Romans 11:5-6

By the way you may want to check out Bertie Brits , Rob Rufus an Joseph Prince.

Thanks again for your posts , it confirms what I have heard

We must born again to enter the kingdom
and being born of the spirit , the word of truth, word of God which lives an abides forever
the gospel Ephesians 2:8-10 Galatians 2:16,20-21

Also Heb 10:2

So you have really been transformed huh?

The truth is really we have no other choice, we cannot bear good fruit through the flesh being under the law Romans 7:1-6

we have to let go
Romans 4:4-8

Its like I know this but I need to settle it once for all eg. Romans 6:1-11

verses 5 is really important is like a guarantee
Also verse 9-11 are helpful.
Please pray I will rest in his promise to save me by faith.
Thank you.

Permalink Reply by Mary Ann E on February 7, 2010 at 4:30pm

Oh when you said dead you meant you stopped trying to be righteous , you did as Hebrews 4:10
you ceased from all your works. and instead received it as a gift.

sounds like Galatians 2:19
anlso vs20

check out Romans 8:10 YLT
and if Christ [is] in you, the body, indeed, [is] dead because of sin, and the Spirit [is] life because of righteousness,

We have the righteousness of God as a gift! His righteousness. it is received and yorus by faith.
John 6:47

and also read Romans 11:29 the gift sand callings of God are without repentance I have read a translations say translations say irrevocably,by faith its yours to keep!
check out Romans 5:17
like I heard someone Ryan Rufus we reign in life not by what we do but what we receive!

It is the new covenant the ministry of the spirit the ministry of righteousness hat excels and remains. The covenant is permanent!
You've stopped trying and are becoming. Praise God!

also another good verse is 2Cor. 3:17-18
oh another thing II have been reminded of over and over again "I am not even suppose to think ( a problem I have has been trying to live by do's an don't"; doing instead of being

definitely this is of Him through is not of the flesh

truly without him we can do nothing!

verses taken from Biblegateway.com

Permalink Reply by Ryan Powers on February 7, 2010 at 5:12pm

Mary Anne, it is obvious that the Holy Spirit (who reveals Christ) is working in your heart. He will continue to reveal new revelations of Christ in your heart as you are willing to have new thoughts. (New wine for new wineskins) As far as faith goes, the KJV tells us that we are saved not by our own faith, but by the faith of God....this was a HUGE revelation for me, I don't know if it will be for you or not. "For by Grace Are Ye Saved Through Faith, and That Not of Yourselves, it is the Gift of God" - Eph 2:8
I did die to sin, but when I said that I realized that I was dead, I meant that the nature I was filled with, what I called "me" was dead, and His Nature seeded in me was true life. I am coming to believe that there are only two natures, Satan nature, and God nature. I have read nothing of Human Nature in the bible.
All of my life, I have been taught that it is my faith that needs to be strong, but now I am learning that it is His faith in me that is true. I have spent 40 years trying to be what He already is in me....the whole show has been me trying to beat an old dead nature into obedience to Christ, which left me tattered, torn, ashamed and frustrated. Now that I see that HE is everything I have been trying to be, I am seeing Him succeed at things that I have failed at. The things I thought were hard are easy for Him...of course I now have to be willing to have my whole mind torn down and rebuilt to fit Him in me. All the Glory goes to Him, because He is the one who is being righteous in me. I no longer follow rules, I follow Him.

Permalink Reply by Mary Ann E on February 7, 2010 at 8:26pm

thanks so much for the reply...I have heard God tell me to give Him my faith.....when you think about it too the fact that water of life is free , freely that activates faith for me.. the fact that its free, and he is faithful you can expect his love
free eternally

he gives us the faith when he says that its free! its basically our faith rests in his faithfulness.

do
so all we have to do is receive
eg... the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
In Christ we have faith..
also "Its constant"
thanks for that I think that's important .

so the fact that its free a gift gives you faith because its dependent on God not of yon you

Lol this just flew off the page to me!!!! in your second post

In the KJV when the Bible says Faith of God, it could also mean , the "faithfulness" of God.!..

its really not of us! , "not of ourselves"! 0% us 100% God

Permalink Reply by Ryan Powers on February 16, 2010 at 10:11am

May The Holy Spirit continue to be the revealer and teacher of Christ in you. May He gain more and more of the ground in your heart that old "self-Nature" used to occupy. Man cannot teach you like the Holy Spirit can, and as you pursue "the mystery that has been hidden from the foundation of the world" you may have to hide away with Him for a while, as to escape the constant barrage of ideas that are flowing around that try to place our salvation back on our shoulders. Christ in you IS your salvation...HE is your peace, your joy....a gift of unmeasurable wealth that displaces the work and toil that we have known. Displacement, not correction. His Truth is marching on.

Permalink Reply by Ryan Powers on February 16, 2010 at 10:28am

PS, Me wanting to see God save people has to die as well, so that His will to save people can live in me.
My desire "to see Him" needs to be replaced by His desire for me "to see Him"...that way there is One Will that rules all.....Let His will be done. His will is perfect for our lives.
We can want to see this or that, but if we are only copying His will, then we are exercising our own will....and we have not yet escaped the pride that caused Satan to fall and say "I will be LIKE God"
I hope this isn't too weird, it's just where He has me. Warmly, Ryan.

Permalink Reply by Fran Knott on May 28, 2011 at 5:39pm

Interesting thoughts....I think you are really onto some truth we all need

Permalink Reply by patricia vanderhoek on February 16, 2010 at 9:58am

Hi Mary Ann -as I read your quote above of Romans 8:l0, the Holy Spirit spoke to me to read the scripture following verse l0. Verses ll to 25 open up a whole new revelation of God's intent and purpose. Any comments?

Permalink Reply by Fran Knott on May 28, 2011 at 5:41pm

Great response...thx

Permalink Reply by patricia vanderhoek on November 7, 2010 at 11:47am

Dear Ryan, I just read your testimony & want you to know that I will send it to those who Jesus has brought to my mind to share it with. The great mystery is now being revealed, Christ in us our hope of glory is telling us that our glory is to know Him formed in us revealing Himself to be us! I had an overwhelming release in my spirit when I read in Acts l5: 9 saying that God had given us the Holy Ghost , purifying our hearts by faith! Nothing of us is required, other than that we submit to our death to self with Jesus on His cross. God's only way for us to be delivered from the first race sinful Adam. How wonderful the work of the cross, how greatly He is to be praised! He replaced fallen man with His Son. And He is filling all things in heaven and in earth with His Son that God may be all and in all. All is for His Son. God bless you & I thank Him for sharing Himself as you, & hope he continues to do so.

Permalink Reply by Mary Ann E on December 25, 2010 at 5:57pm

um how do you be dead ?

Permalink Reply by Ryan Powers on December 26, 2010 at 8:27am

Dead isn't something you do, it something you believe. Most people I share this with respond exactly like this, so don't feel bad. The point is not about you, but about Christ in you. For me it has been a mind thing. After years of religion telling me to be this or stop being that, it is a hard mindset to break...I believe that this is why we have to "put on the mind of Christ" to match the heart of Christ in us.
Mentally, I first accepted that I am no longer outside of God, begging and trying to lure Him to be near me, but that I was place by God inside of Christ. The moment I could believe that I was actually inside of Christ as a small dot in a giant presence, I suddenly saw how He was in me, planted as a small, perfect seed. He is the only perfection I have ever known, and I set my mind to taking every thought captive and asking the Christ in me if the thought was His, and how to make the thought obedient to Him, and not me.
I guess most of my answer has to do with letting go of an old way of thinking and believing, and accepting that Christ is the life in me, and learning how to servie Him, and not myself. He is alive, and obedient. God told Adam and Eve that they would SURELY die if they ate of the tree of knowledge of Good and evil....their nature is what was passed down to us....a dead nature that we spend a lifetime trying to make act alive.
I remember thinking, "what if every good thing that I have ever done was not me at all, but Christ in me?"
A glove does not try to be fabric, and you do not need to try to be dead.
A car does not decide where to go, the driver does.
A glove can spend a lifetime trying to be a hand, and live a life of failure and sorrow.
Scripture is key to reforming the mind. If you want to know this message, read nothing but Paul for a year, and really read Him....you will actually be reading what Christ in him was saying. Much of the bible was written to those who were under the old covenant...and todays religion mixes the old with the new, making both incapable of delivering from this present trap of self we are in.
Scripture says, "How I wish you were hot or cold, but because you are lukewarm I will spit you out". This is actually not about fervency as most pentecostal and charismatic emotional religions believe, but it was referring to water. Back then, people relied on springs, one (hot and salty) spring for washing and cleaning, another (cold) spring for drinking. the springs would run together downstream and be good for neither. This is a picture of the 2 covenants.
Finally, most places I have been teach that the Holy Spirit is power, but He is the only one who can reveal Christ. I cannot explain it enough, it can only be revealed by the Holy Spirit, when He sees that you are willing and ready. I pray that He uses these words to reach you. You are so dearly loved. In this upside-down world, it seems that victory is through strength, but I assure you that we don't reach God in our strength, He reaches us in our weakness. In this upside down church that tries to attract the world by worldly means, we are taught to focus on self...but until self dies, self is all we have. Those who lose their lives will find it.
I hope this helps. Ig you are hungry to know Christ, tell God...he's waiting for us to get hungry for Christ.