An International Fellowship of Spirit-Empowered Believers

I tried for 20 years

I found God at 19. After 4 years of of conversing and being amazed, I still saw no victory in my life...just thought and ideas. So, I started praying "in the name of Jesus" and shortly after started feeling like I wanted to read the bible.

The next 17 years was probably pretty typical in some regards....I got baptized, submitted to authority, joined prayer groups, accountability groups, went to all the spiritual events, went through lots of healing prayers and classes. Became a leader, started doing home groups, prayed for others to find their way....tried to become pure in my heart.

Many things changed for the better in my life, but in my heart of hearts, I knew that I was still missing the mark entirely. Under all the layers was a man trapped in pornography, anger, frustration and quiet desperation. "Where is the victory?" I would ask myself and God. I could step away from my various ailments for periods of time, but would fall back to them, not having the character or strength to stand in integrity. I could now add shame of failure to the shame I already felt. God even totally set me free once, and I went back to my vomit.

At age 40, driven hardest by my failure to overcome pornography, I came, wet and beaten to God and sadly whispered to Him, "I can't do it...I can't be what you've called me to be." I waited for a loving scolding, tellig me to not give up and get back on the horse....what I got instead melted my tired worn out heart..."Good, I've been waiting for you to say that!" I was shocked, then He continued, "are you ready to die?" My mouth and mind said nothing, as my heart gave its answer..."Yes Father, I'm ready" I suddenly was hit with the revelation that I am and have been dead...which is why I was producing the fruit of death. As I realized this, I became aware of a seed of purity in me, Christ, a thing in my heart that knew no sin. I knew at that moment that this Christ was a gift of new, pure life. I also knew that I no longer had to be righteous, but that all I had to do was be dead (Finally something I knew I could do successfully!!!) and HE would be righteous in me and through me.

This was about a year and a half ago, and I have continued to count myself dead, and allowed Him to tear down and begin rebuilding my mind with thoughts that no longer revolve around me-as-my-center, but new thoughts that revolve around Him-as-my-center. He doesn't do pornography, he doesn't struggle with anger...in fact, He easily walks on the things that I was drowning in. I finally know life, as He lives it through me, showing me what it is like. The life I now know is Him in me living through me. I love Him so much, and am so thankful and amazed at what He has endured to get to this day with me. I no longer follow rules out of duty, but I follow Him out of love as He walks righteous in me. There is so much more to this story, but I just can't fit it all here. I am so thankful that He never set me free from pornography...it was a deep enough evidence of my condition that not even my pride could overlook. Without that failure in my life, I might have gone on believing that I was doing pretty good and never came to God the way I did.

Tags: Christ, Dead, in

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Fran Knott on May 28, 2011 at 5:29pm

Wow this is so kewl...thx for sharing

Permalink Reply by Fran Knott on February 12, 2012 at 11:14pm

Awesome thx for sharing I needed that

Permalink Reply by Ryan Powers on February 13, 2012 at 10:27am

You are very welcome. I am grateful that my story has meant something to you. I pray that the Holy Spirit reveals to you the mystery of Christ in you, your hope of Glory....a mystery that has been hidden from the foundation of this world. Bless you sister! Very sincerely, Ryan.