Permeating Grace

Last night, I visited a Young Adults service over at Bridgeway Christian Church in Rocklin, CA. My friend’s husband (a young gal I mentored while she was in high school) was leading worship, and they invited me to come and visit - yes, even though I am 43 years old... I went.

I had the most amazing time from the moment I walked in. My friend greeted me with a huge hug and everyone was very kind and friendly. The worship started and immediately God began to move in my heart. Tears began to well up as the presence of God hit my heart. There is nothing that compares to Him and when He begins to move upon our hearts. It had been a tough day of ministry and leading.

Next, the teaching was spot on. The pastor preaching went right into Joshua 3 and God ministered deeply to my heart with the Word. And then the night was topped off with small groups and an intimate time of sharing. Everyone was open, raw, real, transparent... and sharing how God is challenging them in this season. Each moment was Divine.

It was an amazing experience being around people who permeate an atmosphere of grace. When I called my husband on the way home, he said, “I knew you were going to have an amazing time”. When I asked him how he knew that he said, “because you are passionate about the next generation of leaders”. He is so right!

I found as I left, a prayer arising from my heart, “help me Lord to be one who always permeates grace. Lord, help me to make followers into leaders, and leaders into agents of change in our world”.

Then today, another encounter with Grace.

In a team meeting, a friend of mine heard a gentle whisper from God. She felt she was to pray a blessing over me. And well, hey, who ever turns down a blessing? Not me! And who ever said leaders in ministry do not need ministry themselves? As my friend began to pray over me, I began to cry. The crying turned into weeping. The weeping, into more weeping.

As she prayed a blessing over me, God began to heal my heart of some deep pain I had walked through as a leader in the last few years. You see, I went through a season where I had a tremendous amount of favor in ministry. For years, I was blessed to work with some amazing leaders and people. Then, the Lord took me into a season of intense healing and hiding. This was my wilderness season where He taught me some deep principles of abiding and intimacy.

“I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.” John 15:5 AMP

In the wilderness is where I really began to hear His voice.


"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” Hosea 2:14

Then, I came into a season recently that I began to emerge once again as a leader. Although, what I found when I came out of my wilderness time with the Lord, was not the same experience as I had before in church and in ministry. The enemy began to use people to speak all sorts of things against me. Betrayal, accusation, gossip, slander, jealousy and envy. It came up from the very people I was trying to love and minister to.

It was one blow after another and God was allowing it all to continue His healing, and to test and fortify my character. I wish I could say I passed all those tests with flying color - but I did not. I failed myself forward in the arms of grace. Learning my own heart and God’s heart.

"Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32 NIV
As the sifting began, I found the same things in my heart. For betrayal, I wanted to betray. For rejection, I wanted to reject. For slander, I wanted to talk to others about them too. For hate, I wanted to hate back. I found my flesh was just as alive as theirs.

God began to show me that the only way to overcome evil is with good. To move in the opposite spirit of what is coming against you. To love those who hate you (even those in our Christian communities). I am still failing myself forward in His arms of grace with this one. I find love in my heart has conditions. With Jesus, he has none.

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Luke 6:27-28 NIV

“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.” Luke 6:35 NIV

It was a long four years of being tested - one blow after another. I had not known how tired I had become, or how much pain I was still carrying. I did my best to forgive; although the residue of pain remained.

I was so blessed by my friend’s obedience to pray a blessing for me. I had no idea until her prayer exposed my heart. I needed His touch. I needed His love and grace to permeate my heart once again.

As she prayed, I could tell Jesus was healing my heart of the four years of “stuff” - the pain of not being loved and received by the sheep and people I was merely trying to love. My whole team looked at me and said to me, “we’ve got your back, we’re covering you, we are with you, we are for you!!”. I sobbed to the point of barely breathing.

As she continued to pray, the Lord began to speak to me about how I could not enter into this next season of ministry with all the debris on my heart. It had to go and God reminded me once again of my passion to minister to people; and to leaders. There is probably nothing I enjoy more than praying with God’s people and His leaders. Well, except for Jesus and my family!

The Lord always amazes me in how He uniquely ministers to each one of us. He knows what we need even when we don’t have a clue!

I went into our meeting today thinking we were going to plow through agenda items and before I knew it - God was setting my heart free of something I did not even know was still there! He cares about all people; including His leaders!

Oh, that is just like God! And it is so like Him to lead His people, and lead those who are willing to be led by His Spirit and heed His gentle whispers.


Oh Jesus,

Once again thank you for knowing what my heart needed last night and today. Thank you for Bridgeway, for re-connecting friendships, and the emergence of new ones. What a fresh drink they were to my soul!

Thank you for healing me even in the areas where I did not know I still needed healing. Thank you for cleansing me of the pain so I can move forward with you and move into the new season and the new places you have for me.

Lord, continue to teach me how to love well. How to listen to you through prayer and Your Word. Lord, continue to teach me how to heed to your gentle whispers. Continue to use me as an agent of change - helping followers to become leaders, and leaders to become agents of change in our world.

Lord, I ask you to open doors for new ministry opportunities to serve you, your leaders and your Kingdom. In Jesus name. Amen.